I really feel all these years have made me forgot the real me. All this time I have tried my best to make people happy, to understand them, to be what they want me to be just because I valued them and wanted them to be with me ( I won’t claim that I did that 100%, I may have ended up failing a few times, but I am sure that wasn't deliberate). I feared losing them (that’s the biggest fear I always had, the fear of being alone).

I realized in the process of valuing others and pleasing them, the real me got lost somewhere. It makes me think when I see people with clear thoughts and ideas; about things they believe or not believe in, about what they want, what they feel about a certain issue or thing. But me, I am just lost thinking what exactly my views are? Can I really take a stand on something I believe in (for that I need to find what I actually believe in). This is what happened, I ended up being a confused soul.

I made many mistakes, like most of us do (side effect of being human). Like others I was also not sent here with an instruction book to follow and live accordingly. Yes, I made a crime of not learning from my mistakes initially and I kept repeating a few over and over again. Result. Same pain, same suffering and yes, it hurts more each time.

Finally I grew up, learnt to say “NO”, (trust me; this is by far the most difficult thing for me to do). I started to hurt people (I don’t know intentionally or unintentionally), reason, well!! I was hurt too the same way, I too felt bad, but did anyone care? No. So why should I? And it stopped to bother me. I tried to be bad as subconsciously I felt good people are bound to suffer, I tried but that little goodness in me sometimes didn’t let me do it and sometimes the bad side took over. I knew not what I wanted to do or what actually my intentions were? When anyone says I am good, nice, sweet et al, I feel, do I actually deserve these words? Am I really what people think me to be? No clue. As it is yet for me to find out. Yes, I have a habit of underestimating myself terribly too, don’t know what my correct estimate could be.

I am not perfect, nor do I intend to be. I have my share of weaknesses and I sometimes find it very difficult to accept them (ego, may be), though from inside I know what they are. I carry, regrets, pain, lots of burden in my heart and mind. A lot of habits I want to improve and want to succeed in winning over them.

I truly want to find out exactly who 'Richa' is and what it is she believes in. I know I am still acting like a confused soul. Well, I wish I will succeed one day and discover myself completely. Till then, trying to be happy with a messed up mind and heart. 

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    Prithvi said...

    I feel this meditation and introspection was wonderfully put in words. All the learning of your soul has come out with absolute purity in the most beautiful way.

  1. ... on 17 January 2013 at 10:07  
  2. Prithvi said...

    Btw who is the girl in the pic

  3. ... on 17 January 2013 at 10:11  
  4. Rebellious Submission said...

    Han I know you got stuck with the girl. .. Lol... Ask Google, picked her from there:-P

  5. ... on 17 January 2013 at 10:40  
  6. shanshaj2004 said...

    Hmm just keep believin in the wordd u have written in last para.All the best , keep goin .

  7. ... on 17 January 2013 at 17:41  
  8. Tattooed Mind said...

    Take a deep breath and stop the thought process... Go with the flow, go with your instincts.. That's what I do now, after years of questioning, introspecting and thus complicating my life. Life and love are the simplest of things actually, when we stop brooding over them.

    But I love this chain of thoughts for its clarity. Keep writing.

  9. ... on 17 January 2013 at 18:06  
  10. Rebellious Submission said...

    Thanks Shan and Amy :)

  11. ... on 17 January 2013 at 22:51  
  12. Hiren Chauhan said...

    Nicely written. Similar situations. But we never lose hope. :)

  13. ... on 18 January 2013 at 16:18  
  14. Rebellious Submission said...

    Yep.... We are always hoping against the hope... Tough for both u n me :)

  15. ... on 21 January 2013 at 18:47  
  16. Raghav Pai said...

    YOU! YOU! YOU!... Live your Life :D

  17. ... on 22 January 2013 at 17:09