I really feel all these years have made me
forgot the real me. All this time I have tried my best to make people happy, to
understand them, to be what they want me to be just because I valued them and
wanted them to be with me ( I won’t claim that I did that 100%, I may have
ended up failing a few times, but I am sure that wasn't deliberate). I feared
losing them (that’s the biggest fear I always had, the fear of being alone).
I realized in the process of valuing others
and pleasing them, the real me got lost somewhere. It makes me think when I see
people with clear thoughts and ideas; about things they believe or not believe
in, about what they want, what they feel about a certain issue or thing. But
me, I am just lost thinking what exactly my views are? Can I really take a
stand on something I believe in (for that I need to find what I actually
believe in). This is what happened, I ended up being a confused soul.
I made many mistakes, like most of us do
(side effect of being human). Like others I was also not sent here with an
instruction book to follow and live accordingly. Yes, I made a crime of not
learning from my mistakes initially and I kept repeating a few over and over
again. Result. Same pain, same suffering and yes, it hurts more each time.
Finally I grew up, learnt to say “NO”,
(trust me; this is by far the most difficult thing for me to do). I started to
hurt people (I don’t know intentionally or unintentionally), reason, well!! I
was hurt too the same way, I too felt bad, but did anyone care? No. So why
should I? And it stopped to bother me. I tried to be bad as subconsciously I
felt good people are bound to suffer, I tried but that little goodness in me
sometimes didn’t let me do it and sometimes the bad side took over. I knew not
what I wanted to do or what actually my intentions were? When anyone says I am
good, nice, sweet et al, I feel, do I actually deserve these words? Am I really
what people think me to be? No clue. As it is yet for me to find out. Yes, I
have a habit of underestimating myself terribly too, don’t know what my correct
estimate could be.
I am not perfect, nor do I intend to be. I
have my share of weaknesses and I sometimes find it very difficult to accept them
(ego, may be), though from inside I know what they are. I carry, regrets, pain,
lots of burden in my heart and mind. A lot of habits I want to improve and want
to succeed in winning over them.
I truly want to find out exactly who 'Richa' is
and what it is she believes in. I know I am still acting like a confused soul. Well,
I wish I will succeed one day and discover myself completely. Till then, trying
to be happy with a messed up mind and heart. 
9 comments:
Prithvi said...
I feel this meditation and introspection was wonderfully put in words. All the learning of your soul has come out with absolute purity in the most beautiful way.
Prithvi said...
Btw who is the girl in the pic
Rebellious Submission said...
Han I know you got stuck with the girl. .. Lol... Ask Google, picked her from there:-P
shanshaj2004 said...
Hmm just keep believin in the wordd u have written in last para.All the best , keep goin .
Tattooed Mind said...
Take a deep breath and stop the thought process... Go with the flow, go with your instincts.. That's what I do now, after years of questioning, introspecting and thus complicating my life. Life and love are the simplest of things actually, when we stop brooding over them.
But I love this chain of thoughts for its clarity. Keep writing.
Rebellious Submission said...
Thanks Shan and Amy :)
Hiren Chauhan said...
Nicely written. Similar situations. But we never lose hope. :)
Rebellious Submission said...
Yep.... We are always hoping against the hope... Tough for both u n me :)
Unknown said...
YOU! YOU! YOU!... Live your Life :D